Funny Quotes about life | Funny Friendship Quotes | Funny Sayings

301. He who laughs last is a bit of a slow thinker.

302. He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.

303. Hearing voices in your head is normal. Listening to them is quite common. Arguing with them – acceptable. It is only when you lose that argument that you get in real trouble.

304. Help a woman when she’s in trouble. She will remember you when she’s in trouble again.

305. Here, have a tissue. There’s still a bit of bullshit left on your mouth.

306. How many times must I flush before you finally go away?

307. How to win the heart of a woman? Kiss her, love her, go to the end of the world for her. How to win the heart of a man? Come naked and carry a pack of beer.

308. I am an example to others. A bad example.

309. I am in touch with my motivation. I saw it going by this morning, waving at me and winking.

310. I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. I am perfect.

311. I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

312. I am swift as a gazelle. An old one. With arthritis. Run over by a Land Rover. days ago.

313. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

314. I didn’t fall down. I did attack the floor, though.

315. I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

316. I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

317. I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

318. I had loads to do today. Ah well, so now I have loads to do tomorrow.

319. I like to be an optimist. It pisses people off.

320. I read married couples do it about times per year. It’s end of November now. Seems I’m going to have a seriously exciting December!

321. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.

322. I refuse to have a battle of wits with an opponent so clearly unarmed.

323. I speak fluent ironic with a solid sarcastic accent.

324. I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

325. I used to think that you were a pain in the neck. My opinion of you has dropped significantly lower since then.

326. I weighed myself today. It is clear I am too small for my weight.

327. If a man said he’ll fix it, he’ll fix it. There is no need to nag him every months about it.

328. I wonder what the hairstylist does for a living…

329. I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven’t offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.

330. I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers, because I can always count on them.

331. I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I needed it.

332. I wouldn’t exactly say I’m lazy but it’s a good thing that breathing is a reflex.

333. I’m jealous of my parents, I’ll never have a kid as cool as them.

334. I’m never late. The others are simply too early!

335. I’m not clumsy, The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies and the walls get in my way.

336. I’m not lazy. I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.

337. I’m really good at stuff until somebody watches me do that stuff.

338. I’d like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?

339. I’ll be there to catch you whenever you fall. Love, the floor.

340. I’m all for irony, but the phrase “Good morning” seems to be going a bit too far.

341. I’m aware that the voices in my head aren’t real. But their ideas are just awesome sometimes!

342. I’m breathing. That’s about it for today’s productivity.

343. I’m not bossy, I simply know exactly what you should be doing.

344. I’m not lazy. I’m just naturally a very relaxed person.

345. I’m not reading any instructions. I just press buttons until it does what I want.

346. I’m not saying I’m Batman, but so far nobody has seen me and Batman together in the same room.

347. I’m pretty sure some people’s head is just a backup copy of their butt.

348. I’m standing outside. In other words, I’m outstanding.

349. I’m very sorry about all those texts I sent you last night, unfortunately, my phone was drunk.

350. I’m very sorry to interrupt you, but you must have mistaken me for somebody who’s interested.