Funny Quotes about life | Funny Friendship Quotes | Funny Sayings

1. If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

2. It’s funny how many people get mad when a sentence doesn’t end as they carrot juice.

3. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

4. If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

5. If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

6. That’s the funny thing about life. We’re rarely aware of the bullets we dodge. The just-misses. The almost-never-happeneds. We spend so much time worrying about how the future is going to play out and not nearly enough time admiring the precious perfection of the present.

7. It’s funny how many people get mad when a sentence doesn’t end as they carrot juice.

8. The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

9. The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

10. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

11. Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

12. Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

13. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

14. All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.

15. War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.

16. It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

17. The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

18. At every party there are two kinds of people

19. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.

20. Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

21. I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.

22. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.

25. Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

26. Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

27. Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

28. Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

29. The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.

30. Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.

31. Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

32. If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.

33. Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

34. The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

35. Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!

36. I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

37. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

38. If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

39. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

40. Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.

41. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

42. As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

43. But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

44. My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

45. All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

46. He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.

47. I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

48. Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

49. By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

50. A day without laughter is a day wasted.