Funny Quotes about life | Funny Friendship Quotes | Funny Sayings

201. It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

202. The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.

203. When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

204. As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.

205. Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.

206. If you must make a noise, make it quietly.

207. A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

208. Man has his will, but woman has her way.

209. Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.

210. There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

211. What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.

212. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

213. Always forgive your enemies

214. I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

215. I can resist everything except temptation.

216. I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.

217. Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.

218. Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.

219. The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

220. To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

221. I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.

222. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

223. We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

224. When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

225. Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

226. I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

227. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

228. The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going.

229. If you lived with a roommate as unstable as this economic system, you would’ve moved out or demanded that your roommate get professional help.

230. When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

231. Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

232. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

233. When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

234. If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.

235. I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

236. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

237. All my life I’ve wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought.

238. By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

239. Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

240. We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.

241. Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

242. I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.

243. Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

244. I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

245. I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

246. A bag of money can be a symbol not only of wealth, but also of tremendous inflation.

247. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.

248. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

249. A broad smile is a cooler way of showing your enemies that you have teeth.

250. A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.