Funny Quotes about life | Funny Friendship Quotes | Funny Sayings

151. Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.

152. Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?

153. Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

154. I’ve come to view Jesus much the way I view Elvis. I love the guy but the fan clubs really freak me out.

155. Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

156. The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.

157. Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.

158. If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

159. Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.

160. The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.

161. The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he.

162. Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

163. The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

164. True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

165. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

166. That’s the funny thing about life. We’re rarely aware of the bullets we dodge. The just-misses. The almost-never-happeneds. We spend so much time worrying about how the future is going to play out and not nearly enough time admiring the precious perfection of the present.

167. A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.

168. Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

169. If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

170. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

171. The road to success is always under construction.

172. Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.

173. Don’t keep a man guessing too long

174. I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.

175. Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.

176. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

177. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

178. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

179. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

180. I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

181. I am only human, although I regret it.

182. I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.

183. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

184. The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.

185. When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

186. Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.

187. Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.

188. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

189. God is at home, it’s we who have gone out for a walk.

190. In the past 10,000 years, humans have devised roughly 100,000 religions based on roughly 2,500 gods. So the only difference between myself and the believers is that I am skeptical of 2,500 gods whereas they are skeptical of 2,499 gods. We’re only one God away from total agreement.

191. My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

192. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

193. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

194. If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

195. My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

196. I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

197. I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag.

198. It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.

199. God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

200. The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.