Funny Quotes about life | Funny Friendship Quotes | Funny Sayings

101. The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

102. Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.

103. We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

104. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

105. If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.

106. You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.

107. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

108. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me

109. I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

110. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

111. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

112. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

113. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

114. To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.

115. Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.

116. A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

117. Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

118. Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!

119. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

120. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

121. If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

122. Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

123. A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.

124. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

125. It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.

126. It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.

127. Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

128. Life begins at 40

129. I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.

130. If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

131. All men are equal before fish.

132. If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.

133. You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try.'

134. My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.

135. People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

136. I’d rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort.

137. My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

138. Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

139. Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

140. When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.

141. Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there’s nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t have the money to buy both.

142. According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.

143. Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

144. My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.

145. Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.

146. It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

147. Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.

148. Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

149. The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.

150. Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.