Funny Quotes about life | Funny Friendship Quotes | Funny Sayings

51. Political correctness is tyranny with manners.

52. High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.

53. If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.

54. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.

55. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'

56. They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

57. I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.

58. A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.'

59. Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

60. Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.

61. If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?

62. If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

63. Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

64. Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.

65. It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.

66. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

67. I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

68. Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

69. The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

70. A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.

71. Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.

72. As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

73. A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

74. The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

75. Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.

76. To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.

77. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

78. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.

79. There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

80. Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.

81. I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.

82. An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

83. Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

84. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

85. The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.

86. Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

87. A woman is like a tea bag

88. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.

89. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

90. How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

91. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

92. Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.

93. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

94. Never have more children than you have car windows.

95. I drink to make other people more interesting.

96. Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art.

97. You’re only as good as your last haircut.

98. Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.

99. Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

100. I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.